Three little words

Three little words can change a life so much.

“I want you”

“I love you”

“I miss you”

“Hey, I’m pregnant”

“Let’s live together”

“Let’s get married”

“This must work”

Of all these phrases, none of them are what have me completely screwed up. The one that got me was “I feel abandoned”. I was watching a show, and when the character said that, it was as though it was said directly from my heart. I have never felt so alone, yet so smothered in my life. I keep reminding myself that I have to be strong, I have to stay strong for all the people that need me, but honestly… Right now I’m the one that needs someone. I don’t want to be strong anymore. I want to give up. I just want someone to take all of my worries and tell me it will be ok…

But deep down I know it won’t. It will always be me, pretending everything is OK, putting on that famous smile that I’m sure stopped reaching my eyes months ago.

I laughed today and it felt wrong. Not like I shouldn’t be laughing, but like I don’t have a reason to. It felt foreign to have that noise come out of me, and I hate that. Smiles have stopped feeling like second nature and have begun to always feel forced. Conversation for me is a struggle. I don’t want to talk, hell… Most days, I don’t want to get out of bed. I stopped caring what I look like, or how I present to the world. I’ve stopped even trying to look pretty… I tell myself it’s because I don’t want to even consider the questions I’ll get if I do… And it is partly that (see the statement about feeling smothered), but I know it’s mostly because I am so depressed, not even smooth skin and sparkling eyes can make me feel better about myself. I am stuck in an oblivion not even I can fathom how to rescue myself from.

I am depressed… And I am scared. Terrified, actually. How am I going to do this? How am I going to keep being strong for everyone else, when slowly… I feel myself breaking into a million facets of the person I attempted to be once, and my rock, my anchor in life, is so immeasurably far away.

It’s funny how we never see the thread binding our souls together until we cut it loose…