It hurts

It hurts when you have so much to say,  but no one to listen.
When the people that are supposed to care about you most just continue to rip you to shreds and then act as though it never happened.
I just want honesty and for someone to care how their behavior affects me.

The greatest thing...

Is that I have no one. Not a single person I can talk to about anything that's wrong, because anyone that once pretended to care really only actually wanted to use what I've said to talk shit on me. (Which, by the way, I'm 31 years old, aren't we a little old to be Google stalking each other?)
And I'm absolutely alone in this. I wouldn't even tell the people I consider my closest friends about how I feel because I don't want them seeing through the bullshit film I coat my life in to make it seem like everything is ok.
I'm so tired of feeling like me. I'm so tired of being me.

I hate me

I honestly feel like I spend 100% of my life letting down everyone around me.
I really wish I could just give up,  but I don't even have the strength for that.
Turns out when other people treat me like I'm nothing,  I feel like nothing.
Awesome. I have an idea,  throw another few verbal jabs about how bad I made your life my way. It makes me feel awesome to know how awful my being sick, only sleeping a few hours a night,  working 10-11 hour days, and missing all the good times with my son is making you feel. 
I hate me again.

I have zero clue what to do anymore. I'm so tired. I don't sleep more than an hour here or there maybe twice a day unless I get really lucky. I can barely comprehend half of what comes out of my mouth, I can't remember appointments or to call places. I just sit or lay like a zombie waiting for the screaming to start again before I start tearfully pleading for help that I won't get for hours.  When I do have a 5 minute reprieve, I hear screaming still, just from a different room. My day is constant screaming and noise. I don't get to escape for 8 hours a day. I can't just leave and go get coffee or just run to the store real quick. Everything is a production, a struggle. And don't tell me it's because he's hungry, because I make him bottles. It doesn't matter. I end up feeding him twice anyhow because he vomits everything up from not being burped all the way.
I might get 40 minutes to myself in a day. Maybe, and if I am that lucky, I don't get to sleep. I have to choose between sleep and showers. I have to choose between sleep or showers or cleaning or talking on the phone, putting things away... But I only get one per day, or 5 minutes 8 times or however it is. My wrists feel like they have come undone. I have literally carried 10 lbs for 15-20 hours a day for over a month, and my body can't heal. Sleep is when healing happens. I can't heal mentally or physically. I'm breaking down in a way where I'm on autopilot. I'm focusing every ounce of energy I have on him to make sure he's happy, well fed, sleeping well...
And if I am so selfish as to ask for help, I'm told how tired other people look. If I'm so selfish as to eat first, I'm told how hungry people with empty arms and idle hands are. If I'm so selfish as to sleep, I wake with a diaper bursting at the seams. If I'm so selfish as to want anyone else in the world to talk to about something other than my relationship or children,  it's obviously because I'm up to something. I don't have the damn energy to be up to anything.  My eyes are crossing, my whole body hurts, and I feel sick from constantly trying to force myself awake by eating sugar and drinking coffee.  I would much rather have water or juice, but neither of those will keep me awake. 

Three little words

Three little words can change a life so much.

“I want you”

“I love you”

“I miss you”

“Hey, I’m pregnant”

“Let’s live together”

“Let’s get married”

“This must work”

Of all these phrases, none of them are what have me completely screwed up. The one that got me was “I feel abandoned”. I was watching a show, and when the character said that, it was as though it was said directly from my heart. I have never felt so alone, yet so smothered in my life. I keep reminding myself that I have to be strong, I have to stay strong for all the people that need me, but honestly… Right now I’m the one that needs someone. I don’t want to be strong anymore. I want to give up. I just want someone to take all of my worries and tell me it will be ok…

But deep down I know it won’t. It will always be me, pretending everything is OK, putting on that famous smile that I’m sure stopped reaching my eyes months ago.

I laughed today and it felt wrong. Not like I shouldn’t be laughing, but like I don’t have a reason to. It felt foreign to have that noise come out of me, and I hate that. Smiles have stopped feeling like second nature and have begun to always feel forced. Conversation for me is a struggle. I don’t want to talk, hell… Most days, I don’t want to get out of bed. I stopped caring what I look like, or how I present to the world. I’ve stopped even trying to look pretty… I tell myself it’s because I don’t want to even consider the questions I’ll get if I do… And it is partly that (see the statement about feeling smothered), but I know it’s mostly because I am so depressed, not even smooth skin and sparkling eyes can make me feel better about myself. I am stuck in an oblivion not even I can fathom how to rescue myself from.

I am depressed… And I am scared. Terrified, actually. How am I going to do this? How am I going to keep being strong for everyone else, when slowly… I feel myself breaking into a million facets of the person I attempted to be once, and my rock, my anchor in life, is so immeasurably far away.

It’s funny how we never see the thread binding our souls together until we cut it loose…

Bovine fecal matter

This time, I thought, I'm not doing this on my own. I'm not going to have the struggle, the heartbreak, things are going to get better... right?
Not in the least. At all. Because now I get to be lied to with a sneer instead of a smile. I get to be challenged because I know something to be true and I say it. Just stop blowing out your ass, sweetheart, because I'm over it.

Patience and selflessness

Of all things I try to teach my son, the utmost is paying attention to how the things he does impacts those around him. I (try to) teach him to be respectful, think of others before he acts or reacts...
I'm having trouble with this lately. I feel like I'm struggling with patience and understanding. Honestly, it's because I feel completely undervalued. I feel like people just forget to take me into consideration. Try as I might, I can't convince myself to be complacent and accepting, but should I have to be? Should I have to accept it when others show no respect, no consoderation of how their actions impact me? I know, beyond knowing, that I need to be patient, but... I want to stamp my feet and demand respect.
It truly hurts me to the very core of my being to be treated like I'm nothing. Maybe I just expect too much? There has to be a reason that everyone treats me the same way, right? Like, I'm defective and expect outrageous things from people. Things like love, kindness, compassion, respect all the time, not just when it becomes too much and I cry. I mean... Am I wrong for wanting those things? Is that not how life works?