It hurts

It hurts when you have so much to say,  but no one to listen.
When the people that are supposed to care about you most just continue to rip you to shreds and then act as though it never happened.
I just want honesty and for someone to care how their behavior affects me.

The greatest thing...

Is that I have no one. Not a single person I can talk to about anything that's wrong, because anyone that once pretended to care really only actually wanted to use what I've said to talk shit on me. (Which, by the way, I'm 31 years old, aren't we a little old to be Google stalking each other?)
And I'm absolutely alone in this. I wouldn't even tell the people I consider my closest friends about how I feel because I don't want them seeing through the bullshit film I coat my life in to make it seem like everything is ok.
I'm so tired of feeling like me. I'm so tired of being me.

I hate me

I honestly feel like I spend 100% of my life letting down everyone around me.
I really wish I could just give up,  but I don't even have the strength for that.
Turns out when other people treat me like I'm nothing,  I feel like nothing.
Awesome. I have an idea,  throw another few verbal jabs about how bad I made your life my way. It makes me feel awesome to know how awful my being sick, only sleeping a few hours a night,  working 10-11 hour days, and missing all the good times with my son is making you feel. 
I hate me again.

I have zero clue what to do anymore. I'm so tired. I don't sleep more than an hour here or there maybe twice a day unless I get really lucky. I can barely comprehend half of what comes out of my mouth, I can't remember appointments or to call places. I just sit or lay like a zombie waiting for the screaming to start again before I start tearfully pleading for help that I won't get for hours.  When I do have a 5 minute reprieve, I hear screaming still, just from a different room. My day is constant screaming and noise. I don't get to escape for 8 hours a day. I can't just leave and go get coffee or just run to the store real quick. Everything is a production, a struggle. And don't tell me it's because he's hungry, because I make him bottles. It doesn't matter. I end up feeding him twice anyhow because he vomits everything up from not being burped all the way.
I might get 40 minutes to myself in a day. Maybe, and if I am that lucky, I don't get to sleep. I have to choose between sleep and showers. I have to choose between sleep or showers or cleaning or talking on the phone, putting things away... But I only get one per day, or 5 minutes 8 times or however it is. My wrists feel like they have come undone. I have literally carried 10 lbs for 15-20 hours a day for over a month, and my body can't heal. Sleep is when healing happens. I can't heal mentally or physically. I'm breaking down in a way where I'm on autopilot. I'm focusing every ounce of energy I have on him to make sure he's happy, well fed, sleeping well...
And if I am so selfish as to ask for help, I'm told how tired other people look. If I'm so selfish as to eat first, I'm told how hungry people with empty arms and idle hands are. If I'm so selfish as to sleep, I wake with a diaper bursting at the seams. If I'm so selfish as to want anyone else in the world to talk to about something other than my relationship or children,  it's obviously because I'm up to something. I don't have the damn energy to be up to anything.  My eyes are crossing, my whole body hurts, and I feel sick from constantly trying to force myself awake by eating sugar and drinking coffee.  I would much rather have water or juice, but neither of those will keep me awake.