Life is weird.
I've finally gotten to the point where I can start making stand up decisions for myself, but they all seem to have alliances that I don't want to assign myself to.
Have you ever gotten to a point where you seem to have so many emotions that you don't feel as though you have any at all? It's like they all cancel each other out and you sort of end up in a middle spot completely neutral.
I have nothing to say anymore. I'm just on autopilot emotionally. "Oh that's great, jeez, that's awful, that should make me angry" It's gotten to the point where I think people have started to give up on my being human.
I certainly feel as though I should be worried... But then again.. Let the cards fall where they may.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Friday, August 1, 2014
Your body is amazing baby, but your soul is so unclean
Another weekend is here, and I am once again reminded of my distinct ability to alienate those I feel close to. If you know me and you read this in secret when you're reminded that I keep a blog... I don't intend to not text enough, or withdraw when you extend friendship, or repeatedly push you away by pushing boundaries. I have my demons and one day... One day I will learn to distinguish between love or friendship and potential pain.
Every friendship. Every relationship. Every day that I wake up is a potential for pain in my mind. I lay in wait for the event that will hurt me, and as a result I come off as cold and uncaring... I withdraw. I don't hug. I don't hold hands. I don't show emotion. I won't ask about your personal life- not because I don't care, but because I never want to be in a position where I accidentally repeat something you don't want said.
I am aware I'm not a good person. My intentions are positive, but my insides are black. And I will sit and watch my world burn and fade into blackness and feel helpless to stop it all... And I am completely aware that I can. I know I can prevent these things from happening, but I am driven by this force. This disgusting inability to cope with the normal ebb and flow of life. Know that I hate myself for what I do to you. What I have already done to you.
And I kid myself as I sit and wait for a text, a call, an email... And I feel so un-somethinged. I kid myself as I lay down at night and pray for forgiveness, and I pray for you. I pray that you have the understanding to deal with me. I pray for guidance. I pray for redemption. I pray for strength. I pray for the ability to go back in time and change it all. Find the day and moment everything changed for me and I became so afraid. I pray for acceptance.
Every friendship. Every relationship. Every day that I wake up is a potential for pain in my mind. I lay in wait for the event that will hurt me, and as a result I come off as cold and uncaring... I withdraw. I don't hug. I don't hold hands. I don't show emotion. I won't ask about your personal life- not because I don't care, but because I never want to be in a position where I accidentally repeat something you don't want said.
I am aware I'm not a good person. My intentions are positive, but my insides are black. And I will sit and watch my world burn and fade into blackness and feel helpless to stop it all... And I am completely aware that I can. I know I can prevent these things from happening, but I am driven by this force. This disgusting inability to cope with the normal ebb and flow of life. Know that I hate myself for what I do to you. What I have already done to you.
And I kid myself as I sit and wait for a text, a call, an email... And I feel so un-somethinged. I kid myself as I lay down at night and pray for forgiveness, and I pray for you. I pray that you have the understanding to deal with me. I pray for guidance. I pray for redemption. I pray for strength. I pray for the ability to go back in time and change it all. Find the day and moment everything changed for me and I became so afraid. I pray for acceptance.
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