Another weekend is here, and I am once again reminded of my distinct ability to alienate those I feel close to. If you know me and you read this in secret when you're reminded that I keep a blog... I don't intend to not text enough, or withdraw when you extend friendship, or repeatedly push you away by pushing boundaries. I have my demons and one day... One day I will learn to distinguish between love or friendship and potential pain.
Every friendship. Every relationship. Every day that I wake up is a potential for pain in my mind. I lay in wait for the event that will hurt me, and as a result I come off as cold and uncaring... I withdraw. I don't hug. I don't hold hands. I don't show emotion. I won't ask about your personal life- not because I don't care, but because I never want to be in a position where I accidentally repeat something you don't want said.
I am aware I'm not a good person. My intentions are positive, but my insides are black. And I will sit and watch my world burn and fade into blackness and feel helpless to stop it all... And I am completely aware that I can. I know I can prevent these things from happening, but I am driven by this force. This disgusting inability to cope with the normal ebb and flow of life. Know that I hate myself for what I do to you. What I have already done to you.
And I kid myself as I sit and wait for a text, a call, an email... And I feel so un-somethinged. I kid myself as I lay down at night and pray for forgiveness, and I pray for you. I pray that you have the understanding to deal with me. I pray for guidance. I pray for redemption. I pray for strength. I pray for the ability to go back in time and change it all. Find the day and moment everything changed for me and I became so afraid. I pray for acceptance.
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