Three little words

Three little words can change a life so much.

“I want you”

“I love you”

“I miss you”

“Hey, I’m pregnant”

“Let’s live together”

“Let’s get married”

“This must work”

Of all these phrases, none of them are what have me completely screwed up. The one that got me was “I feel abandoned”. I was watching a show, and when the character said that, it was as though it was said directly from my heart. I have never felt so alone, yet so smothered in my life. I keep reminding myself that I have to be strong, I have to stay strong for all the people that need me, but honestly… Right now I’m the one that needs someone. I don’t want to be strong anymore. I want to give up. I just want someone to take all of my worries and tell me it will be ok…

But deep down I know it won’t. It will always be me, pretending everything is OK, putting on that famous smile that I’m sure stopped reaching my eyes months ago.

I laughed today and it felt wrong. Not like I shouldn’t be laughing, but like I don’t have a reason to. It felt foreign to have that noise come out of me, and I hate that. Smiles have stopped feeling like second nature and have begun to always feel forced. Conversation for me is a struggle. I don’t want to talk, hell… Most days, I don’t want to get out of bed. I stopped caring what I look like, or how I present to the world. I’ve stopped even trying to look pretty… I tell myself it’s because I don’t want to even consider the questions I’ll get if I do… And it is partly that (see the statement about feeling smothered), but I know it’s mostly because I am so depressed, not even smooth skin and sparkling eyes can make me feel better about myself. I am stuck in an oblivion not even I can fathom how to rescue myself from.

I am depressed… And I am scared. Terrified, actually. How am I going to do this? How am I going to keep being strong for everyone else, when slowly… I feel myself breaking into a million facets of the person I attempted to be once, and my rock, my anchor in life, is so immeasurably far away.

It’s funny how we never see the thread binding our souls together until we cut it loose…

Bovine fecal matter

This time, I thought, I'm not doing this on my own. I'm not going to have the struggle, the heartbreak, things are going to get better... right?
Not in the least. At all. Because now I get to be lied to with a sneer instead of a smile. I get to be challenged because I know something to be true and I say it. Just stop blowing out your ass, sweetheart, because I'm over it.

Patience and selflessness

Of all things I try to teach my son, the utmost is paying attention to how the things he does impacts those around him. I (try to) teach him to be respectful, think of others before he acts or reacts...
I'm having trouble with this lately. I feel like I'm struggling with patience and understanding. Honestly, it's because I feel completely undervalued. I feel like people just forget to take me into consideration. Try as I might, I can't convince myself to be complacent and accepting, but should I have to be? Should I have to accept it when others show no respect, no consoderation of how their actions impact me? I know, beyond knowing, that I need to be patient, but... I want to stamp my feet and demand respect.
It truly hurts me to the very core of my being to be treated like I'm nothing. Maybe I just expect too much? There has to be a reason that everyone treats me the same way, right? Like, I'm defective and expect outrageous things from people. Things like love, kindness, compassion, respect all the time, not just when it becomes too much and I cry. I mean... Am I wrong for wanting those things? Is that not how life works?

Ignore... ALL the things!

I'm not an orchid... I'm a Lily. 
Orchids simply need to be ignored.  A drop of water,  tell them they are pretty and they will thrive. 
A Lily must be cared for.  Doted upon.  Fed water and sunshine to feel the full extent of what life can be. 
If you treat a Lily like an Orchid, it may find the strength to hold on but it's color will fade,  it's stalk will weaken, and eventually it will give up,  darken, and become dead on the inside.

I wander wondering...

Will I ever have a moment of peace? Or will I always be that girl who wronged them? It's funny how the world assures me everything is ok, but then acts completely different when it comes down to it. It's clear I rank of no importance, so stop stringing me along like you care and go to them, whoever the lucky them may be.

Is this the best we've got to show the world?

The paths of the righteous must be always crooked and broken.
I feel as though they walk upon me.